posted by ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
puszysty at 06:47pm on 26/10/2009
puszysty at 06:47pm on 26/10/2009I want to see a psychologist. I can't afford to see a psychologist. I've had more breakdowns this month than I've had in a while. Though I don't know what the point in seeing a psychologist would be when I already know what's wrong.
It's a crippling fear that I'm overestimating my abilities and I won't get into law school and thus stuck in my soul sucking job for another year.
It's the fact that I keep skipping meetups that sound interesting because they cost more than I'm willing to pay to hang out with people I've never met. Even the Thriller thing this year was like that. Last year it was free, this year they tried to charge me $15 for it. Tickets to Seattle broke the bank for me this month, and I didn't have $15, plus, it was free last year. On principle alone it's ridiculous, but that didn't prevent me from having a breakdown after discovering that fact when I went.
It's the fact that my mom visiting has made me more aware of how inescapably lonely I am. The very scant amount friends I have here never seem to want to spend time with me. The only people I meet at meetups are middle aged. But I'm afraid to talk to my friends back home, because they will inevitably ask me when I'm coming home, which in turn makes me even more upset/angry, because I do not, have not, will not have any intention of EVER going back to Bridgman or any place resembling it, and yet people can't seem to stop asking me.
I just want my life to be better, but I don't know if it's possible.
It's a crippling fear that I'm overestimating my abilities and I won't get into law school and thus stuck in my soul sucking job for another year.
It's the fact that I keep skipping meetups that sound interesting because they cost more than I'm willing to pay to hang out with people I've never met. Even the Thriller thing this year was like that. Last year it was free, this year they tried to charge me $15 for it. Tickets to Seattle broke the bank for me this month, and I didn't have $15, plus, it was free last year. On principle alone it's ridiculous, but that didn't prevent me from having a breakdown after discovering that fact when I went.
It's the fact that my mom visiting has made me more aware of how inescapably lonely I am. The very scant amount friends I have here never seem to want to spend time with me. The only people I meet at meetups are middle aged. But I'm afraid to talk to my friends back home, because they will inevitably ask me when I'm coming home, which in turn makes me even more upset/angry, because I do not, have not, will not have any intention of EVER going back to Bridgman or any place resembling it, and yet people can't seem to stop asking me.
I just want my life to be better, but I don't know if it's possible.
There are 4 comments on this entry.