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I want to see a psychologist. I can't afford to see a psychologist. I've had more breakdowns this month than I've had in a while. Though I don't know what the point in seeing a psychologist would be when I already know what's wrong.

It's a crippling fear that I'm overestimating my abilities and I won't get into law school and thus stuck in my soul sucking job for another year.

It's the fact that I keep skipping meetups that sound interesting because they cost more than I'm willing to pay to hang out with people I've never met. Even the Thriller thing this year was like that. Last year it was free, this year they tried to charge me $15 for it. Tickets to Seattle broke the bank for me this month, and I didn't have $15, plus, it was free last year. On principle alone it's ridiculous, but that didn't prevent me from having a breakdown after discovering that fact when I went.

It's the fact that my mom visiting has made me more aware of how inescapably lonely I am. The very scant amount friends I have here never seem to want to spend time with me. The only people I meet at meetups are middle aged. But I'm afraid to talk to my friends back home, because they will inevitably ask me when I'm coming home, which in turn makes me even more upset/angry, because I do not, have not, will not have any intention of EVER going back to Bridgman or any place resembling it, and yet people can't seem to stop asking me.

I just want my life to be better, but I don't know if it's possible.

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For what it's worth, I think I can relate - you have anxiety. You're moing forward and you're taking a scary step wth appling to law school. You have reason to be anxious. I don't want to be all "it'll get better, buck up little camper" because that's cliche and trite... but I will say that things happen for a reason. I mean... I spent my college years devoting myself to a career that never happened (I was going to be a military officer, was a reservist, got a full ride military scholorship and senior year developed a medical issue that wasn't waiveable) As it was *happening* it was like my whole world was ending. As I look back, it was sooo good for me that the military career didnt happen.

And eat some pie. Pie never judges you :)

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I wish I had some sage advice, but I'm deep in the exact same crap. It's gotta get better some time, though.

*hugs*

Okay, the only thing that I feel qualified to give input on is the law school stuff, so here we go:

1) Don't be surprised if you get some rejection letters. Your list includes a lot of *really* selective schools, and some of the things they're selecting for are things that are completely out of your control. So, don't take it personally. You want a place that's a good *fit*, not necessarily the highest-ranked.
2) You *will* get into a law school. Don't worry about that. Maybe not your top choice, but you're smart and you can string together coherent sentences and arguments. That's half the battle.
3) Law school is *really* stressful and really intimidating, especially that first semester. The nice thing is that it's that way for absolutely everybody. Three-fourths of the people who go to law school walk in feeling like they're in over their heads, and the other one-fourth walk out feeling that way within the first month. It's part of the process. It does get better (though it also gets busier). It's no fun during the process, but know that you're not alone.
4) That said, I think I'd want to enter law school in the best mental fitness level I could--kind of like how if I was going to run a marathon, I'd want to train a whole lot before I actually ran it. It's definitely a YMMV thing, but really, how is working w/ a psychiatrist or counselor that much different than prepping for the LSAT?
5) The nice thing about law school is that basic mental health care will be free or very low-cost once classes start, since you'll be paying a university health services fee.
6) HANG IN THERE, HON! ;) It will get better.

*hugs* <3